Stubborn children are a real time bomb in the lives of parents. You never know when she will explode and overflow the cup of parental patience. Is it possible to somehow cope with such a childish quality as stubbornness? Experts say that it is possible, although it will take a lot of effort.
Why are kids stubborn
How many parents know phrases like «No, I’m not going home» or «I’m not going to wear this jacket»? Most likely the majority. Stubborn children evoke a whole range of different feelings in moms and dads: anger, indignation, impotence, disappointment, resentment. Parents begin to look for problems in their pedagogical approach, and some seriously talk about their own parental incompetence.
Calm! World psychologists say that children’s stubbornness is an absolutely normal phenomenon. And all for a simple reason .. To understand something, the child needs to go through some experience on his own, even if mom or dad says “no” a hundred times. In addition, children often test the strength of the boundaries of what is permitted.
American psychologists have determined that the main factor in stubbornness is a special temperament that manifests itself even in infancy. For example, some babies, encouraged by relatives, will happily rise to their feet and try to take their first steps. And others, no matter how much you encourage them, will not budge until they themselves want to.
According to experts, by nature stubborn people have a high degree of distractibility, reactivity and perseverance. And this means that you should not ask yourself why the child is so stubborn. It is better to learn how to interact with him in especially «explosive» moments.
Ineffective educational model for the stubborn
For mothers and fathers of stubborn children, there are several special «no»s. If you do not listen to them, you can provoke a wave of incorrect parental actions. In this case, all efforts, unfortunately, will come to naught.
So, what are the most common mistakes moms and dads of stubborn children can make:
- «yes», «no» and «maybe» with blurred meanings. Discipline for a stubborn person is not to say “Candy will kill your appetite”, but “Go to dinner, you will get sweets for dessert after soup”;
- use of conditional constructions in speech: «I would like», «you should», «it would be better if you did like this.» For the stubborn, such formulations are like a green traffic light. You need to speak clearly: “do it like this”, “do this” without any “would”;
- constant reminders and repetitions instead of clear calls to action;
- regular provision of «last times» and «second chances»;
- bribery, compromises, disputes, discussions, instructions, edifications and admonitions;
- child neglect.
In fact, moms and dads need to stop doing actions that do not bring any result at all.
How to make a stubborn child listen and hear?
Of course, the word «force» here should be read as «help», since there should be no violence in raising a stubborn child. But discipline is a must!
one. Limit Your Choice. “I will let you ride a scooter if you do not leave the yard. Otherwise, I will take the scooter. What you choose?» The child will have to choose an alternative in any case, the main thing is to outline the boundaries of what is permitted and fulfill the promise if he violates them.
2. Get in the habit of using a timer. A timer, an hourglass, a stopwatch are a great help in the fight for discipline. “If you don’t put your toys away in 10 minutes, we’re not going to the zoo. Time has gone.» Keep track of the time together if the child already knows how to use the clock. In case of disobedience, by all means fulfill the promised sanction.
3. Motivate. Even a stubborn child needs approval. If he met the deadline or clearly followed the instructions, he should be praised. This once again motivates him. And, of course, a personal example here will also come in handy. If you say that the child will receive cookies after dinner, then take dessert yourself only after the main course.
four. Don’t judge. Not every adult is able to cope with his temperament, what can we say about children who are just getting to know the world? In order not to instill a sense of guilt and shame in a child, it’s enough just not to dramatize the situation, not to wring your hands theatrically and not to sigh with the words: “What a nightmare, who are you so stubborn about! My grief, my grief!
5. Refine and specify. Accuracy — the politeness of kings. «Do not walk for a long time!» — not an option for stubborn people. But “Be home by 17:00” is the perfect wording.
6. Pay attention to tone of voice. Irritated, offended, exhausted moms and dads often break down and raise their voices. But such stubborn children cannot be caught: it only plays into their hands. They will play for time until the victory, while the parents scream, exclaim and resent. Therefore, a calm dispassionate tone is the basis of the foundations of discipline.
7. Maintain your authority. A parent is a parent. Never forget who is in charge in the family. Do not bargain with the child and do not argue: “Time is up. Either you’re making your bed right now, or today’s outing is cancelled.»
eight. Explain Consequences. Stubborn children love to test the strength of the built boundaries. Therefore, simply saying “don’t spin in your chair” is not enough: believe me, the stubborn will definitely check what happens if he does! Always explain to your child the consequences of disobedience. “If you don’t stop spinning, I will take the chair away, and you will do your homework sitting on the stool for the rest of the week.” Take away toys if the child has not removed them. Take the speakers if he refuses to turn the music down. Put food in the refrigerator and finish breakfast if it is played at the table.
In parenting a stubborn one, the rule of thumb is to calm down before entering the minefield. Take a breath and act according to the plan. You will succeed!