How to talk so that children listen to you? And how to listen to the children talking to you? This question is asked by many parents. In their book of the same name, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish answer it.
Who is the book for?
- For parents and grandparents who want to better understand their children and grandchildren;
- For those who do not have time for theoretical reasoning and who appreciate practical efficiency;
- Teachers and all those who want to learn how to communicate with the younger generation (and not only).
«How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk» managed to become literally a reference book for millions of parents, teachers, educators and child psychologists. It won the trust not only of American readers (it was in the USA that it was published for the first time), but all over the world, including Russia. This is because the advice that the authors suggest to follow is universal and very understandable.
Adults often forget that their daughters and sons are the same people with their own desires, motives and emotions. So moms and dads want to achieve certain behaviors, but a child is not a machine that you can just turn on to make it work. This means that he requires the same equal human treatment, no matter how old he is: three years old, 10 years old or 16.
How to read a book?
- Get ready for Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to break most of your stereotypes about parenting and sort out the rules for communicating with the younger generation;
- Look at yourself through the eyes of a child. Think back to how you were when you were eight. Or three. Or 14. How did you live then? What did you dream about?
- Work together. The best effect will be achieved if both parents listen to the advice from the book;
- Introduce new rules gradually. Even the authors themselves say: “We have been working on this book for a long time, so let’s not swallow it all at once, but adapt our methodology week by week”;
- Write out abstracts. So the most important thing will always be at hand and will definitely not be forgotten;
- Don’t be afraid to go back to the book. After all, you will definitely return to it more than once, again and again discovering something new for yourself.
An invaluable plus How to talk so kids will listen lies in the fact that it does not contain any unnecessary reasoning and scientific theory. If you are looking for a practical guide on how to find the magic key to even the most naughty child, then this book is exactly what you are looking for. It is equipped with an incredible number of life hacks and comic strips imitating typical everyday situations.
Five of the best tips from the book that you will definitely use:
Voice your children’s feelings
It happens that the complaints of children confuse parents. What does this little man need: to get your advice? So that you buy a new bike instead of an old one that broke down? Children, especially very young children, often do not know how to describe their emotions in words. Therefore, behind the daughter’s tears about the fact that her turtle died, her beloved doll broke or behind the son’s words that “Tolyan completely got it! So he would have hit him! maybe hiding is not quite what first catches the eye. Sometimes your answer, “I see that you are very upset” or “I understand your anger” will be better than a thousand suggestions and will help close the distance between you and the child.
Let them speak
When a child talks about his problems, it is difficult to resist two extremes: the desire to immediately give advice (thus expressing his concern and silence) and depreciation («I would like your problems»). But sometimes even a simple nod of the head or interjections “Hmm”, “Aha” (please note that they should be spoken sincerely) will allow the child to digest everything that has boiled up and find the answer to his doubts himself.
Feel free to admit your guilt
It is important to tell your child about your feelings, not only when you express your love and affection for him, but also when you break down. And it happens to everyone. Don’t be afraid to apologize and explain why you acted the way you did. By discussing emotions with your son or daughter, you teach them to better understand themselves and others and become closer.
Let them make their own decisions
Even if it’s the solution you need. For example, you send the child to the store. And you know for sure that he always forgets his wallet, throwing money into his pocket. No wonder you are worried about their safety. But instead of giving a long lecture, introduce a question element, as if you are asking for advice: «Do you think it’s safer to put money in your pocket or in a wallet?» You will see, the right decision will be made without unnecessary notations.
Don’t expect immediate results
Believe me, the result will definitely come. But do not despair after two days of trying to follow the advice. Change takes time.
Naturally, these are far from all the guides to action that Faber and Mazlish describe. But we did not at all set ourselves the goal of retelling the book to you in full: it will be much more effective to read it yourself.
By the way, these tips are applicable not only to children, but also in communication in principle. Because, in fact, small people require a similar approach as adults. After all, we all come from childhood.